The mission: Meet three women and use a disqualifier.

One important note on disqualification from the book:

Most disqualifiers are meant to be playful. Others are used to demonstrate that you have high standards and won’t date or sleep with just anyone. However, a disqualifier should never be hostile, critical, judgemental, or condescending. There’s a fine line between flirting and hurting. And disqualification is never intended to be mean or insulting. So say these with a smile on your face and laughter in your voice, as if you were good-naturedly picking on a younger sibling.

Some ideas for disqualifiers:

• Ask her what her favorite movie is, then respond, “You actually liked that? That’s it. I’m going home. Nice meeting you.”
• Do you have a gold medal? I only date women who’ve won a gold medal, you better hurry and get one.
• What’s the wildest, craziest thing you’ve ever done? That’s great. You and my grandma would really get along.
• A good girl like you should probably be talking to a nice boy like that one over there.
• If she touches you, hey now, hands off the merchandise. That’ll be $40.
• The book has a bunch more of these…

The author also writes, “This is going to be the most difficult mission of the challenge so far”. But I don’t think so. I think I’ve been doing this in several of my interactions so far by saying girls are the “Mom” of the group or telling them I was hoping they were a yoga instructor. I think this should go well.

This is exactly why I’m doing this website. It’d be so much easier to quit and just let myself down. But if I quit, all the people following this story and cheering me on, would be let down as well. I want to be a doer, a finisher, a closer.

That said, Mission 9 sucks.

Mission Overview
The mission is to approach at least two sets of three or more people of groups that contain both women and men. I don’t want to do this. I’m still not comfortable approaching lone women, much less a group, with dudes. There are a few more notes in this section’s briefing that made an impact. One suggested to stay in a conversation longer than comfortable, even if you run out of things to say. I feel that I should have been doing this. A couple times I ejected a bit too early.

Review Time
Additionally, it’s time to review previous missions, doing things that were missed, or repeating things where more practice is needed.

Therefore, I also need to:

• Do the posture exercise again
• Do to vocal exercise again
• Get my hair styling at my re-scheduled appointment
• Get my clothes tailored
• Get a manicure/pedicure

Lastly, the author writes in the book that the following missions are going to “pick up the pace”. I should be pleased about this considering my grades on the past few missions. We’ll see.

My name is Devo. I am doing the 30 missions from Neil Strauss’ “Stylelife Challenge” with the goal of attracting the women of my dreams. I write about each mission. Learn about me, or just jump right in. Here are the missions in chronological order:

• Mission 1: Overview, Field Test, Updates: 1, 2, 3, 4, Conclusion
• Mission 2: Overview, Field Test: Part 1, Field Test: Part 2, Conclusion
• Mission 3: Overview, Field Test, Conclusion
• Mission 4: Overview, Field Test, Conclusion
• Mission 5: Overview, Conclusion, and then some.
• Mission 6: Overview, Field Test and Conclusion
• Mission 7: Overview, Approach #1, Approaches #2-4, Conclusion
• Mission 8: Overview, Approach #1-2, Approach #3, Conclusion

Lastly, you can follow me on Twitter where I interact with others like me, along with professionals in the dating world. I’ve already made some great friends.

So guessed wrong; Mission 8 is not about advancing the conversation. Instead it’s about proofing approaches by “rooting” and stating a “time constraint”. Preventing someone from thinking “What does this person want from me?” and “How long will this person be talking to me?” is the key for avoiding negative or flat responses. As the briefing in the book says, “It allows women to stop worrying about how to get rid of you and listen to what you have to say”.

I think this is a good mission. My desire is to go further faster, but continuous practice with approaching and opening is a good thing. I sort of feel lucky I haven’t been completely blown out or ignored yet. Knock on wood.

Have you called strangers about movies?
Have you made a style change?
Have you complimented 4 women?
Have you practiced your voice and posture?
Have you asked for store recommendations?

Yes.

That’s how this section of the book starts. It reminds you not to just read it but to DO IT. Just reading the book is like going to the gym and looking at the machines. You have to do the exercises!

I’ve been doing them. Some I’m still doing by going above and beyond what is required. But based on the book, I should be ready to proceed. Here we go…

Mission 7 is to approach three different women, or sets that include women, and “open” them using an opinion “opener”. They can be on the street, in bars, cafes, grocery stores, or anywhere.

Start the non-head on approach by smiling, with relaxed body language, and positive attitude with something like:

• I need a female opinion on something…
• I need someone else’s take on this…
• My friend and I are having a debate…
• You guys look like experts…

Then, use an indirect, open-ended question like:

• My friend is going on a second date with this girl, he wants to take her on a helicopter ride. What do you think of this idea? (Thanks for this one Holy Joe!)
• Do you think spells work? I know it’s an unusual question but I’ll tell you why I’m asking in a second.
• If a guy is dating a girl and goes out with her friends and makes out with a guy just for fun, is that cheating? (Yes.) What if it’s a girl?
• What do you think is the difference between loving someone and being in love? My friend wants to know because her boyfriend just broke up with her. He told her he loves her but he’s not in love with her.
• Any other suggestions? I could see the above working in social situations, but what about the grocery store, for example?

If I get caught using something they’ve heard and they ask, “Are you trying to pick me up?”, say “You think I’m hitting on you? That’s cute. But you couldn’t handle me.” If that doesn’t happen, I’ll just continue the interaction.

If you knew me in real life, you’d have a tough time picturing me doing these things. I’ll be honest, I’m nervous. The training wheels are coming off and I need a helmet.

Overview
Mission 6 is all about overcoming AA. Approach anxiety. Before I get into the mission, my take on approach anxiety is that it is something that I will never not have. My goal is to find a way to manage it. As the author Neil Strauss says, “it’s less a fear of approaching than a fear of rejection”.

The book has a briefing that is probably worth the price of the book alone. It goes into theories about personality that affect attitude. Specifically, the limiting mind vs. the freedom mind. It’s several pages that hit home. I strongly suggest reading it.

Field Test
The field test for this mission is to compliment four women. Two can be people you know, two need to be strangers. We’re to avoid general compliments such as “You’re beautiful” or anything sexual such as “You’re hot”. I ended up going for extra credit and doing five, one person I know and four strangers.

Compliment #1: My Hot 23 Year-Old Friend
(For this one I am going to add in a little translation during the conversation just to add a little flavor to it. I don’t always think like this.)
Me: Hey, nice new shirt.
(Translation: You’re so hot. You should leave your boyfriend.)
Her: Thanks! They just got them in at the Gap.
Me: Yeah, it’s kinda cowboy but urban. Cool.
(Translation: Seriously, let’s go to a meeting room and lock the door.)
Her: And look at my boots too. (lifts leg)
Me: Oh nice, the whole outfit really works. Stylish.
(I want it scattered around my floor.)
Her: Thank you! You’ve always had good taste. So, blah blah blah??
Me: Blah blah blah…
(We chat a while about the weekend and remain clothed.)

Compliment #2: Japanese Tourist
(She was alone taking a photo of the Christmas tree in front of Nordstrom at the Grove in LA)
Me: Nice photo, do you want to be in it?
Her: Oh, huh? Oh yes, that nice.
Me: Ok, cool.
Her: Here. Push right here. (smiles)
Me: Ok, right there. Perfect. Smile! (click)
Her: Thank you! (begins to walk away)
Me: Wait a second, check it to see if it’s any good.
Her: (she checks it out for a moment) Yes, very nice.
Me: Oh yeah, that’s cute. So are you a tourist?
Her: Yes, I from Japan.
Me: Oh nice, well have a great trip!
Her: Yes, thank you once again.

Compliment #3: Nordstrom Sales Girl at the Grove in LA
Me: Hi.
Her: Hi, are you looking for anything special today?
Me: No, not really. Just browsing. Hey, that’s a cool nose ring.
Her: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I’ve had it for years but sometimes my friends still say “hey, did you just get that?” I tell them no I’ve had it for about two years now!
Me: You pull it off well, I don’t think a piercing would work for me.
Her: You should get one in the middle of the bottom lip. I think those are cool. Everyone has it to the side but I think it’s cool in the middle.
Me: (Hell no!) Huh, interesting suggestion, I’ll think about it. Have a nice day!
Her: You too, bye.

Compliment #4: Another Sales Girl in LA
Me: (Walking by) Hi, nice nose ring. (smiles)
(Yes, “nice nose ring” is my new line. Apparently I like a slightly rocker chick look. Nobody said it had to be a different compliment.)
Her: Oh…thanks.
Me: Yeah, I like the little subtle sparkle.
Her: Yeah, it’s just a little bling. So what are you shopping for today?
Me: Oh nothing really, just enjoying the weather.
Her: Are you looking for sunglasses?
Me: Not really. Blah blah blah.
Her: Blah blah blah.

Her: It’s too bad you’re leaving today.
Me: Yeah, tell me about it. I try come back frequently.
Her: When are you coming back next?
(Ok, I’m an idiot with women but I’m not COMPLETELY daft. We’ve had touching/laughing/smiling…this is a sure thing.)
Me: I’m not sure, but we should grab a cup of coffee or something. What’s the best way to get a hold of you?
Her: Here’s my number. (writes it down on a receipt I had)
Me: Thanks, is this a mobile phone? (she nods) I’ll send you hourly text messages.
Her: (Laughs)

Can I get a “fuck yeah!”? Seriously. If you’re reading this, say it out loud: “Fuck yeah Devo!” Because we’re in this together. And this one’s worth celebrating. Say it right now. Anyway, back to the story, we chat a bit more and I tell her I should head to the airport. And then she hugged me. Woo! Felt pretty good after this one. She was cute but wore a TON of makeup. Not exactly what I’m looking for but whatever. I’d probably call her if I was actually going to LA again, that was a bit of untruth. Regardless, go me.

Compliment #5: Airport girl
(While waiting for my flight back to Seattle, a young woman sits on the floor next to me. I have my luggage spread across the bench. I forgot to hit the record button in my brain so there are a lot of holes, but I have the highlights at least.)

(She then sends another text saying how we rock for giving a ride and includes her email address asking me to email her.)

Field Test Summary
Now I’m not one to brag and keep track but whatever. After being in a LTR, it’s been YEARS since I’ve been doing this stuff. And back then I was just a student when things are totally different anyway. So I’m allowed a little celebration of the fact that I got TWO numbers, TWO hugs, and a DATE in a single afternoon. These field tests are getting juicier. And obviously, it’s generating results already. I’m liking these confidence building activities as they are doing the job. Mission 7 is next and I have a hunch it’s a big one.

Mission grade: A-

What’s the minus for? Even though it’s not part of the mission, I didn’t do the suggested “get blown off” suggestion. That’s still on my list. But wouldn’t you agree that I completed the rest quite well?

Therefore, after reading the briefing, I’m going to try to get “blown out” to practice the “Crash and Burn Strategy”. I’m going to approach and engage in whatever situation in an attempt to get totally rejected. The key note they make in the book is that the initial comment or question shouldn’t be rude or hostile. I can do that in an attempt to get blown out…especially in the land of 10′s, Los Angeles, where I will be tomorrow.

Wish me unluck.

UPDATE: I STILL have not done this. There were plenty of hot women in LA who would have likely brushed me off but I have chickened out up to this point. I won’t make excuses. This is a problem area for me.

(Giggles, jumps, and claps hands)

I kid (mostly). I’ll admit to being one of those guys who likes clothes. I don’t think it’s a superficial thing to want to look good to feel good. And that’s what this mission is all about. Looking better in order to feel better.

The mission – Grooming and style:

• Part 1 – Here Comes the Groom
  This is a grooming exercise where you choose one item on a checklist of tasks to implement. The book has a more complete list and suggestions for accomplishing them, but here are a few:
  • Change hairstyle
  • Get contacts
  • Get a tan
  • Get a manicure
  • Remove excess hair
  • Whiten teeth
  • Freshen breath
  • Dermatology advice
  • Accessorize
  • Join a gym
  • Eat healthier
  • Make sure your clothes fit
• Part 2 – Make a Change
  Here is where I use the store recommendation from Mission 4. The task is to go to a menswear shop for a style consultation. The shop should preferably be a small, independent store, and then speak to a salesperson (who seems helpful) and say that I want to change my style. If possible, avoid large chains. Next, try on the clothes, note the brands, sizes, etc, and feel how it changes you. The author Neil Strauss explicitly points out that the fit is more important than the style. Also, the mission doesn’t require you to actually buy anything, however, I think I’ll make the purchase. Nordstrom/Barney’s will be my back-up plan but I am first going to try a couple small shops in Ballard and Capital Hill that found on Yelp.com.

• Part 3 – Brush Up
  This part is a re-visit of one of the past exercises. Either the vocal exercise, posture, or positive thinking.

Honestly, I’ve been doing the fundamentals of this mission for years now. But I’m committed to completing all of these missions in the book so I will do it just like it says. In fact, I think I’ll do more than just one from the grooming checklist. And then the shopping part will be fun. I trust my own sense of style, but I might as well see what someone else picks out for me.

This one is gonna be easy; I’m excited about it.

The field test for this mission involves talking to women. The mission is titled “Ask an Expert”. The task: Ask three, preferably stylish, women to recommend a cool local clothing store that carries menswear. When successful, write it down. (I’m guessing I’ll be going there later.) Get at least one recommendation. The author notes that these should be women I see myself as potentially dating.

This is good. It’s probably going to be awkward at first, but this is the whole point of this project. Failure is not an option.

This will also be both personally and logistically challenging. Doing this in one of Seattle’s non-Downtown neighborhoods (Capital Hill, Belltown, Fremont, etc) would result in the coolest menswear shops – but it will be WET! Targets will be few and far between. We’re in for 10 days of rain, at least. I suppose a mall is an option, but then the crowd gets suburby and the answer may result in one of those chain stores that are everywhere (H&M, Banana Republic, etc).

Hmmm…

This might require a couple attempts in a couple of places. Perhaps a coffee shop or something in one of those neighborhoods could be better than trying to track someone down in the rain on the street? Maybe at a bar some evening after work? But approaching in a bar sounds like it should be its own mission later on. And that doesn’t seem like a natural thing to ask someone in a bar. Depends on the situation I guess. Am I overthinking this?

But before I start all that, let’s go over all three parts of this mission:

1. Hit The Showers: Shower, shave, put on clean clothes, etc. Some may even condition and exfoliate and this does not make them any less of a man. Give yourself a pep talk about you deserving the best in life. But don’t masturbate. (Yep, the author explicitly stated this.) The purpose of this, I think, is to start getting into a confident mind-frame. So the point of not showering in the last mission was to really bring home the point and feel good here.
2. Ask An Expert: Ask at least three women to recommend a cool store selling menswear and get at least one recommendation.
3. Stand Up Straight: This exercise is designed to improve one’s posture. In the book there is an exercise to practice at home designed to improve posture. There are also two downloadable videos for this.

Note to self: Keep doing the vocal training exercises on page 30. I certainly have room for improvement with this. I need to work on it.

But now, it’s time to go ask women where to shop.

So that’s what I did. I woke up and read this:

Part 1: Don’t shower
The Author, Neil Strauss, wants me to develop “caveman hygiene” and not shower or shave today. Uh. He doesn’t really explain what the purpose of this is. But fine, whatever. I’m going to do this right. I’ll even get to work a bit early with the extra time.

Part 2: Voice field test
The field test for this mission is to call 3 random phone numbers and ask for a movie recommendation. WTF?! I now know how Danielson in the Karate Kid felt when he wanted to learn karate but had to wax the cars, paint the fence, etc. Neil Strauss, aka “Mr. Miyagi”, is having me not bathe and make prank phone calls. I thought I was supposed to be meeting women?

• 3 accomplishments to achieve to make me happier:
  1. Start my own web design and development company
  2. Buy a cool loft-style condo but still have money leftover for International travel
  3. Continue my aggressive workout routines to get in the best shape possible (I don’t really know how to exact a goal for this…I don’t need to lose weight.)
• Reasons these will make me happier:
  1. I want the freedom, reward, and flexibility of self-employment.
  2. What better way to live than to own a “base” from which to go to new places and experience new things? I love to travel…maybe that should be my goal?
  3. This won’t just make me look better but it will make me feel better about myself plus it’s healthy!
• Personal mission:
  1. I will become a self-employed web designer/developer who will build cool websites within 2 years.
  2. I will become a world traveler who will visit new countries every year.
  3. I will become a healthy man who will be in excellent shape and eat well starting now.
• Three results that will accomplish mission:
  1. I will have quit my day job.
  2. I will have visited one new country each year.
  3. I will have continued my current workout plan and cook one new recipe each week.
• Why I am committed to personal mission:
  1. Because if I don’t now, I will suffer and my career will stagnate. But if I do, I will enjoy my next years and my freedom to travel and job satisfaction will increase.
  2. Because if I don’t now, I will suffer and my wanderlust will not be satisfied. But if I do, I will enjoy my next years and my quality of life and sense of adventure will improve.
  3. Because if I don’t now, I will suffer and my health will deteriorate. But if I do, I will enjoy my next years and my health and diet will improve.
• My own addition: In addition to the above, I will remember it is not all about me. I will try find ways to improve the quality of life of my family, friends, and society as a whole. Everyone deserves a chance at health and happiness.

PART 2: Self-Hypnosis
This one is optional. In the book, an audio file is referenced that is supposed to strengthen subconscious intent through self-hypnosis. It is downloadable here. The book instructs you to relax, and take the journey. It’s important to “feel” the journey in a quiet place. The more it is repeated the better the result.

It is now on my iPod.

Part 3: Field Test
Same field test as Mission 1, go talk to 5 strangers. “But this time, look into their eyes and record the color. Meeting people eye-to-eye will help to connect with them on a more personal level.”

Interesting…I certainly didn’t expect to have to do the same thing. But more practice doesn’t hurt, and this time, there’s the twist too. More to come…

1. HOW PEOPLE CURRENTLY PERCEIVE ME
They think I am nice, quiet, friendly, smart. Some say funny. Others say “dork” in fun, I think. I am comfortable to be around. Never had a problem making women feel comfortable. But I don’t know if this is necessarily a good thing. We’ll see.

2. HOW I’D LIKE TO BE PERCEIVED
I’d like for my friends and family to think of me the same way as they do now; I like myself. But I’d like for new people to want to be around me and include me in things. I want to be perceived as fun, cool, exciting, etc. I want girls pursue ME. And I want to pursue them more so than I have. And I would love it to be natural for me.

3. BEHAVIORS/CHARACTERISTICS TO CHANGE
I’d like to not get so nervous and uncomfortable in any situations. Bars/clubs/restaurants/etc. I want to be able to talk louder and break the ice with people. I don’t want to blush and mumble.

4. NEW BEHAVIORS/CHARACTERISTICS TO ADOPT
Live the moment, go for what I want, talk and not care. Not get embarrassed!

Chains that bind
The next step of the mission is to read the section, The Chains That Bind. You’ll have to get the book for the full briefing but it is mostly about dispelling false assumptions about people’s perceptions, female attraction, and ability. My best take from this: “Don’t mistake being fearful and weak-minded for being nice”. Good advice.

Next up, the first field test.